Oh ho ho, you thought this was going to be all cheffy delights? PSYCH! I have an obnoxious opinion that no one actually hates fast food; they hate what they think it represents (enter class anxiety and nutrition misinformation) or they hate corporations (fair), but they don’t actually hate the taste. To paraphrase the inimitable Samantha Irby, McDonald’s isn’t selling a billion burgers because it tastes bad. They also crush the breakfast game, unlike Dunkin’ Donuts which is more a does the job situation. It’s not bad. It’s not great. You will probably eat it at some point. I’m still mad at them for taking ham and that weird egg white veggie patty off the menu. But enough about me. Let’s get to that sandwich.
Egg & Cheese on an Everything Bagel at Dunkin' Donuts
PSYCH! We’re going to talk about a bad date I had instead. It wasn’t really a date; he was returning a graphic novel I’d lent him (Blankets by Craig Thompson, which if you read for the first time at age 18 will capture your entire heart). And it wasn’t really bad, it was more just weird. He was weird. He looked like Dick in High Fidelity and was the drummer in a band where the lead singer screamed and whipped his dick out a lot. I had met him and his bandmates at an art festival on the south side and he gave me a ride home (side note, in retrospect I am aware this was unwise) — but not before stopping to drop off screaming dick singer at his home, which was the first floor of a house. For some reason we had to go inside and hang out for a minute: his living room (?) had barely any furniture and a million crucifixes on the walls. Anyway, my idea of flirting back in those days was to run up to my apartment, hand over my current favorite comic, and meet up at Dunkin’ Donuts to…talk about it? He mumbled awkwardly at me for a few minutes, handed back the comic (he never read it), and left. I ate my egg and cheese on an everything bagel alone and felt more confused than sad.
Okay. The sandwich. I’m not fancy about many things but I am about bagels. It’s not a good bagel; it really needs to be toasted and it’s more of a vehicle than anything else. A big, doughy vehicle that’s chewy and a little sweet. The garlic and poppyseeds are burnt, giving the big, sharp flavors an acrid bite. It becomes harder to chew as it cools, you really have to bear down; it’s meant to be eaten fast. Did I mention it’s aggressively garlicky? This works with the egg patty and slice of American cheese, which provides a mild, comforting hit of fat. It’s perfect for hangovers, not-dates, and running for the train. It’s better with hot sauce, better still with their onion-forward, tater tot-esque hash browns. But sometimes you don’t need better. You need something that knows its job and does it. You need something that gets you through.
I was hoping you’d do this one.