(This letter talks about disordered eating, body dysmorphia, and fatphobia. If that is not something you want to read about, stop now.)
A Bacon, Gouda & Egg Sandwich at Starbucks is 360 calories. I started thinking about calories at some point in college and I haven’t stopped. I don’t know if I ever will. I came to calorie-counting later than some women; I grew up in a relatively (relatively, relatively, aka it was there but it wasn’t omnipresent) low in diet culture household and as a white, straight-sized lady I’m playing this game on easy. The worst thing I run into is that my body is dismissed, which compared to what many go through is not that big of a deal (though still stupid and a hurtful mindfuck).
There is nothing inherently more attractive or healthy about being thin. It is possible to be healthy at every size. Being healthy is not a qualifier for being human or deserving of a full life. I know all of this, but I still wince in the mirror. I know without thinking the macros and calories of every breakfast sandwich on Starbucks’ menu. There are numbers I have feelings about.
The best I feel like I can do is work out regularly, eat reasonably, and accept with neutrality and care where my body naturally shakes out. “It is the hardest thing I have ever done.”
When I’m debating too hard between the egg white blobs (less calories, less carbs) and the Bacon, Gouda & Egg Sandwich (more calories, more carbs, what I actually want) at Starbucks, I remind myself:
I’m going to die someday and this is not how I want to spend my one wild and precious life.
Egg sandwiches are perfect.
Bacon, Gouda & Egg Sandwich at Starbucks
This is not an amazing sandwich, but it’s one of the best Starbucks breakfast sandwich offerings. There most predominant component is the tender, squishy scrambled egg patty-thing; the bacon (chewy and inoffensive) and Gouda (a mild but definitive whisper of cheese) are more background extras than supporting characters. It’s encased by a chewy, crisp-edged ciabatta, which for some reason reminds me of the hot rolls you get in a basket at a mid-range steakhouse, quality-wise. It is perfectly okay in the way lab-engineered, user-tested food is always perfectly okay. I can confirm that it’s holds up at room temperature. It’s good for sopping up hangovers. And other toxins.